my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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