Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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