i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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