Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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