dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The cops high fived after they tackled you
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
