All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
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