Apparently you make a good broom.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
