so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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