You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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