I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
