remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
