we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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