she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
