i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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