I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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