So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
