Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
