Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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