In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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