Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
