What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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