I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
