why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Nobody cheats on THIS.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
