Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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