we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Randomize
