He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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