so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
