I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
