yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
