that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize