You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
