She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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