she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Randomize
