Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
