you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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