Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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