Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She swung at the pinata with crutches
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
