so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
