I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
