I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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