well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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