It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
There r osticjed everywhere
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
