Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
