i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I want her autograph on my taint
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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