he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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