I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize