Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
