I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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