**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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