I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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