Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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