I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize