Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
