I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
