sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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