apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
